Recently I have had an interesting discussion with a good friend and colleague regarding stepparents, their role, how they are seen and what they can be called by their stepchildren. It’s always useful to have conversations where differing views can be debated and discussed, and this chat was no exception.
In my role as a family therapist, I had been speaking to a parent whose ex-partner was actively encouraging their child to call her new partner, ‘Daddy’. My client was understandably feeling a variety of emotions about this; anger, frustration, hurt, sadness, all of which he was trying to hide from his young child. In this case, Mummy’s new partner, had been around for most of the child’s life, but it was fairly recent that the child had suddenly started referring to him as ‘Daddy’. Previously there had been a ’pet’ name in place which seemed to be a good fit and my client, the child’s biological father, was quite comfortable with this.
On hearing his story, it was one of those occasions when it was quite tricky for me to separate Liz, the stepparent and separated parent from Liz, the therapist. I have two stepchildren, who were both under five years of age, when I got together with their dad. I had very regular contact with both children from almost the start of our relationship. They always called me by my name, and I would definitely not have been comfortable with them calling me ‘Mummy’. This would have felt disrespectful to their biological mother and possibly confusing for them. It isn’t easy adjusting to a stepparent role particularly if you don’t have children yourself and obviously really difficult for children to feel comfortable sharing their biological parent with a new partner and experiencing a new family situation.
I had a lot of empathy for the parent I was working with, when he described to me how he was feeling when he heard his child call another man ‘Daddy’.
It was a topic that cropped up when I was in conversation with my friend and colleague when we were chatting about the role of stepparents, she offered me a different view, which gave me some food for thought. Her point was that some stepparents do play a pivotal role in a child’s life, so maybe they do deserve some sort of recognition for that in the form of a title. She felt in some cases that it might be ok to refer to a stepparent as Mummy or Daddy. I am not so sure for a variety of reasons. If one parent, on separation from their partner, makes an active choice to not be in contact with their children, so becomes absent from their lives, and a new partner takes on the role of the Daddy or Mummy, maybe it’s ok for them to take on that title?
Another person I have worked with was abandoned by their mother, as a young child and very much wanted to call Dad’s new partner ‘Mum’. Dad’s partner didn’t feel comfortable with this and gently and sensitively explained this to the child, but it didn’t stop the child feeling disappointed that they had no-one in their life to call ‘Mummy’.
If a new partner was referred to as Daddy or Mummy by their stepchild, what might happen if the relationship with the child’s biological parent broke down? Would any future new partner be referred to as Mummy or Daddy too?
In some blended families, both parents might have biological children, so there are step siblings. I wonder how the biological children might feel about their step siblings calling their parent, Dad or Mum? They may well be ok with that or for some it might be quite difficult and invite feelings of resentment and insecurity.
If a young child has two people in their life, who they refer to as Mummy or Daddy, might it be quite confusing and anxiety provoking for them, when others ask questions about their Mum or Dad. They would need to clarify which Mum or Dad they were speaking about.
My friend thought a generic word for a stepmum or stepdad might be a good idea. She felt that some stepparents don’t get the recognition they deserve and children calling them by their first name doesn’t always demonstrate the depth of relationship they have with them.
In some families the children find their own affectionate name for their stepparents, as they often do with grandparents, so maybe we should leave it up to them?
There is no easy answer to this, in my opinion, what might work in one family may not be appropriate in another. I guess the main thing is that children feel loved and cared for by both parents and stepparents when they live in a blended family and that sensitivity and respect is demonstrated to both biological parents and stepparents when considering how they are referred to.
Brethertons offer their clients emotional support whilst going through separation and divorce and can also advise on co-parenting and the effects of family breakdown on children. Please do get in touch if you feel you might benefit from some advice or emotional support, we are here to help. You can contact us at info@brethertons.co.uk.
Comments