For most families, Christmas can bring a mix of emotions; excitement, anxiety, joy, trepidation and an entire range of different feelings that can affect both mood and behaviour. For separated families managing the Yuletide expectations can be an even bigger challenge. Whether you have separated recently, and this is the first Christmas you have been a single parent, or if you have been apart for some time and experienced several occasions of managing the Yule period alone, inevitably there will be some challenges along the way.
I would say most of the families I have worked with over the years, have felt anxious about agreeing contact agreements regarding children with their ex-partner. Even if there is a court order in place regarding Christmas contact, there may be some flexibility required when trying to organise the festive events that are more than likely to occur at this time of year.
Grandparents or another member of the extended family might have organised a Christmas treat for a child and unknowingly arranged it on a date when the ‘other parent’ has contact. How might that be managed? In an ideal world, the experience of the child would be prioritised, and the parents would agree that despite it contravening the usual arrangements, the child would be able to have their Christmas treat. Some parents might struggle with this flexibility though, especially if their separation is acrimonious. Their sense of entitlement may over-ride their willingness to put their children’s needs first and allow them the opportunity to enjoy something special with their ex-partner's family. If you are managing an ex-partner who struggles to relinquish control, when it comes to the children and parenting of them, it can be extremely difficult and exhausting. You will need to try and remain calm and patient (a big ask, I know) and keep repeating that it is both your responsibility to make sure, as much as you can, that your children can have the best Christmas possible.
When parents start to behave in a competitive manner regarding what they can provide for their children, it can only invite stress, anger and disappointment. It’s great if communication is such between parents that they can discuss and agree on what Christmas presents they might be buying for the children and potentially agree on a budget. However, realistically this is not always possible and one parent can feel that they have ‘failed’ in what they have provided for their children or presents end up being duplicated. If there is any chance that you can come to some agreement with the other parent, about gifts, the children are far more likely to enjoy their Christmas and not even think about comparing one set of parent’s gifts with the other’s.
The split of the festive period can be a real challenge and disruptive for both children and parents, but inevitably both parents will want to spend time with their children on Christmas Day. This usually means that the day will be split into two, with one parent waking up with their child on Christmas morning and the other parent having to wait until later in the day to see them. I think most separated families, be it through their own agreement or be it by court order, will alternate the split each year, offering equal opportunity for each other to have the first part of Christmas Day together. There are both practical and emotional consequences to this, particularly if one parent lives alone with their children. Knowing that your ex is waking up with your kids on Christmas morning can feel a huge loss and invite a negative mood. Try, as much as possible, to take care of yourself and organise a few little Christmas morning treats that will lift your spirits. If you can, maybe arrange to see family and friends on Christmas morning to try and reduce the sense of loss you might be feeling.
On a practical level, dropping off or picking up children on Christmas Day brings its challenges. Children may not want to be ‘torn away’ from the presents they have only just received. They might be tired and overwhelmed which could be affecting their behaviour, making them more likely to be dysregulated and grumpy. Both parents might have to deal with these challenges, putting extra pressure on them to stay calm, patient, whilst remaining full of Christmas cheer – not easy!
There is no doubt about it, managing Christmas as a separated family will be a different experience to the Yuletides you will have spent together. However, the festive season can still be enjoyed, maybe there will be less tension and friction than in previous years? Maybe you can provide the family Christmas that you have always wanted to, without fear of upsetting someone else? Most of us tend to model the Christmas we want our children to experience by replicating our own lived experience, so long as we have happy memories of it, and some families have vastly different ideas about how Christmas should be spent so there can be difficulties in pleasing everyone.
Whatever your Christmas looks like as a separated parent, please do remember it’s your Christmas too and that you are special and have possibly had a challenging, exhausting year. Make sure you don’t give yourself a hard time on what you believe you might not have achieved and remember all the things you have accomplished and celebrate them!
Liz Headley has worked as an individual, couple and family therapist for well over 20 years and specialises in relationship issues and family breakdown. She can be contacted at Brethertons LLP, email: elizabethheadley@brethertons.co.uk or mobile: 07387647791
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