Several years ago, as part of Bretherton’s endeavours to support their clients, I was asked to create a group for those going through relationship breakdown, giving consideration to their recovery and new opportunities they might be creating for themselves. After some deliberation it was felt that the best way forward was to start with an all-female group highlighting some of the different issues that women face when going through separation and divorce. It was hoped that an all-male group might be convened at a later stage.
The legal team were able to identify some clients who might benefit from attending group sessions and from my individual sessions held with clients, I, too, was able to put some names forward. The women were invited, and the vast majority of those invitations were accepted. It was planned that the group would meet for six sessions, each meeting lasting about 90 minutes.
It was my job to create a flexible agenda including a range of topics associated with relationship breakdown, the natural grief process that most individuals go through when they endure the loss of a relationship and ways in which self-awareness can be increased so that any past mistakes are less likely to be repeated.
At this point if anyone had told me how valuable this group experience would be for those attending, I probably would not have believed them. The continuing success of the New Beginnings group can be attributed to the strong, resilient, thoughtful women who attend the group sessions and the responses they offer to fellow attendees.
Over the years that the group has been running I am regularly amazed by how much support, empathy and acceptance the women show each other. Putting together a group of strangers and asking them to share deeply personal information about themselves within the group setting is an enormous request. Yet, repeatedly, the women put their trust in me and all the other women present and allow themselves to reveal some, if not all their vulnerabilities. From the onset, group confidentiality is agreed and observed, and the women are assured that what is said in the room, stays in the room.
It’s my role as the facilitator, to try and ensure that everyone has the opportunity to share as much or as little as they want to and that they feel heard by others in the room. A variety of themes generally emerge in conversations that take place about the women’s individual experiences.
Some will have suffered at the hands of an abusive partner, some will have experienced an unfaithful partner, some will have ended the relationship, and others will have been really shocked when their partner has told them they are leaving. Discussions about partners with narcissistic traits seem to be happening more often, as individuals become more aware of what narcissism is.
The ending of a relationship is always difficult, never easy, and sadly, things are complicated further when the decision to part is made, but the couple must remain living in the same property. Sadly, I now have to speak with too many people who, for a variety of reasons, are having to manage cohabitation with a partner who they don’t want to be with any more and who they may actively dislike or feel intimidated in their company.
For those who have experienced abuse and for those who have to continue to live with an ex-partner, the group can be particularly helpful and supportive. The space offered can give the opportunity to offload in a safe environment, where they feel heard, acknowledged and understood.
Even when the group sessions have ended, members usually remain in contact with each other and friendships continue. It has been a massive privilege to be part of the many groups I have now facilitated and I remain in awe of the courage and resilience shown by the women and how they unfailingly offer other the warmth and support that is very much needed during this difficult time.
If you feel the support Brethertons can offer might benefit you or someone else you know, please do enquire about what might be available to you. Email info@brethertons.co.uk or phone 01295 270999 (Banbury Office), 01869 252161 (Bicester Office), or 01788 579579 (Rugby Office).
Here is some feedback from some of the most recent group members:
“I would like to say how helpful I found the New Beginnings Group. It was so good to meet other people in similar situations. I remember on the very first day when each of us told our stories briefly and I could identify with each person in the room and relate what they had said to my own experience. I think it’s hard for family and friends to truly understand what we’ve been through - and that was what was so powerful about the group - meeting other women who understood, who I didn’t need to explain things to because they just ‘got it.’
I think the group has been a really important part of my recovery because I now have a much better understanding of what happened, I can identify red flags going forward, and I’ve got more confidence in my ability to make good decisions going forward.
And of course I have to say a huge thank you to you, Liz for guiding our discussions and giving us such powerful insights. Everyone going through divorce should have access to this kind of support. I feel very fortunate that I have received such wonderful support. I know other people going through divorce who are having to pay for counselling. I’ve said it before and I’m sure I’ll say it again - I’m so glad I came to Brethertons!”
“The group work has also been invaluable. Being able to discuss issues with others going through similar things in a safe environment. I also loved the group activities you provided. I will really miss my Thursday trips to Rugby.
I have felt very fragile at times and the support has helped me try and hold myself together.
I am sure there will still be lots of difficult things to work through, and I am sure there will still be times when I wonder if I can carry on, but you have helped give me back some of my confidence and strength.
Thanks again”
“I was one of six ladies Liz had invited to join a support group at Bretherton’s for women going through divorce. We were all very different people but quickly formed a strong bond over our shared, and at times, all too similar experiences. We were all at different stages of the divorce process, with different challenges and objectives, but the opportunity to share our experiences and feelings in a safe space was invaluable to me personally. To feel that I was not alone and that the people around me understood was both validating and empowering. Liz facilitated the sessions in such a way that we were also encouraged to explore our own personalities and backgrounds and how that may have impacted our relationship choices and behaviour within our relationships. Liz strikes the right balance of encouraging people to talk, but also with some education to help us in any future relationships, and our other relationships in life. My support group sessions have ended but I hope that the ladies in my group will be lifelong friends. Thankyou Liz for the opportunity and your support.”
“Just wanted to say a huge heartfelt thank you for organising and involving me in your weekly support group of woman in the same situation as myself, albeit different stages of the divorce process. I didn’t even realise how much I needed emotional and practical advice until I stepped into the room and it immediately became a safe place to talk, listen, and cry.
You worked your magic every week with your listening skills and subtle advice where appropriate. A true professional. You gave us all the same air time to talk about anything we needed to and wanted to. The guidance you offered and invited from our peers too has proven invaluable.
Truly life changing and I have made friends for life. The feeling of support and encouragement towards whatever my future looks like will be something I treasure forever.Thank you thank you thank you.”
"The group has been amazing, I can't say thank you enough!
Just to share experiences, insights and emotions with women who know what it feels like and get it when you say something has been so important to me. Knowing that it's not just me. We're all very different but have brought our own experiences and personalities to the group.
I think as a group we have gained strength from each other. We've also been able to give strength. It has felt a safe environment with nothing off limits. We could laugh, cry, speak from the heart, or from a hot head. All was fine.
Everyone is at a different stage and has their own circumstances, that has been invaluable. Understanding the processes, has also been very helpful.
I've liked having some of the theories and understanding and discussing how we got to where we've got to has been really insightful.
Having S**** in the group has also been great, being on the other side of the actual divorce, that there are so many positives but how you still need to work in things.
I liked the work we've done to bring the formal group to an end, the salt, the feedback to each other, the meal. It closed it neatly. I'm glad we'll all keep in touch."
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