Possibly one of the more challenging tasks that parents have to engage in when going through a separation is telling the children of their decision to part. Mum and Dad will be experiencing their own emotional turmoil regarding the breakdown of their relationship, and now they will have to help their children manage all the emotions they will be feeling.
Every child will have their own individual responses to their parent’s split, for some it might be a real shock, whereas others might have picked up that all was not well at home and may have been experiencing real anxiety around what may or may not be happening.
For some, who may have unfortunately been witnessing regular conflict between their parents, it may feel initially like a sense of relief, but the reality of the life changing nature of family breakdown will inevitably soon kick in and the results of the parental separation have to be managed in practical terms.
Sadly, due to the financial position and the legal processes connected with separation and divorce, some families will have to remain living together in the same property. This situation can be very stressful and leave some younger children feeling confused and overwhelmed. On the one hand parents have told them that they no longer love each other and will get on better if they have two separate homes and on the other hand, they are still all at home living together like the family they have always been.
In my experience of speaking with children and young people regarding family breakdown, in the main, they would prefer their parents to stay together, regardless of any tension between them. I guess it’s not a child’s job to understand or sympathise with the intricacies of adult relationships and they shouldn’t be overburdened with too much detail about why Dad and Mum have decided to part ways.
In trying to help children and young people accept a decision that they have absolutely no control over, understanding, patience and empathy are key to achieving this outcome. The processing of a life changing event is complex for an adult brain let alone a child’s more immature brain. Listening to a child’s narrative can be one of the most helpful things that a parent can do, when trying to help them manage change and difficult circumstances. Some of the questions that the children might ask may seem to the adult ear irrelevant or inconsequential. Those questions are never inconsequential and should be handled with care and sensitivity.
There may be questions about which belongings they will have in each home. Will they have an XBox at Mum or Dad’s? Will seeing their friends become a problem if they have to move? Will a much-loved pet move from one home to another with them when the contact between separated parents starts? Possibly the hardest question might be, why don’t you love each other any more?
However acrimonious the parting between two parents is, in order to help children adjust to their new lifestyle, it’s really important that Mum and Dad try to maintain a consistent approach. How they answer their children’s questions and how they react to any anxieties the children might have about the future and what the next steps might be should be as consitent as possible.
I completely understand that this is not easy, particularly when individual adults are struggling with their own emotional well-being and their reaction to the break-up of their family. Disguising any animosity towards an ex-partner is a big ask but knowing that the children will suffer less if you can mask those feelings for their benefit, may, long term, have a much more positive effect.
Maybe some children will never truly accept the reason their parents split. Their view of Mum and Dad is very much in the context of the parent/child dynamic. This may even allow them to ignore some of the behaviours that might have affected the couple’s relationship and driven their parents apart. It may even mean they become more accepting of those behaviours.
Self-care is extremely important and separating and divorcing parents should do their best to access as much of this as possible. Parents who look after themselves are more likely to have the capacity to look after their children’s needs when they are going through tough times.
Brethertons offer services that can help separating and divorcing couples understand their children’s responses to family break up and also offer the opportunity to parents to discuss how they might help their children accept the changes within their family. Brethertons do this through one to one or group sessions with other parents along with the support from Liz Headley our in house counsellor.
If you feel the support Brethertons can offer might benefit you or someone else you know, please do enquire about what might be available to you. Email info@brethertons.co.uk or phone 01295 270999 (Banbury Office), 01869 252161 (Bicester Office), or 01788 579579 (Rugby Office).
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